


My Strap On Has a Boner for You

by anarchycox



Series: Kink Triptych [5]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Idiots in Like, Idiots in lust, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, One Night Stands, Running Away, just get in bed or over a desk already, lack of clear communication, merlin and eggsy realize how insane they drove everyone with their pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-05 19:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15177488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Roxy and Harry circle each other.





	My Strap On Has a Boner for You

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【翻譯】你讓我的假屌好興奮 My Strap On Has a Boner for You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15815730) by [sandykill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandykill/pseuds/sandykill)



Roxy was a practical woman who went after what she wanted and she got it. She had gotten the cat when she was 4, the mini cooper when she was 16, Millicent Barnswell when she was 19, Kingsman when she was 24. She could get Harry Hart. 

She just needed to create one of her do or die lists, they were never not effective. Roxy was in Prague, on a mission but she was stuck in a hotel for another four hours. She pulled out her phone and began her list.

 **OBJECTIVE** : Harry Hart

 **PURPOSE** : Sex in order to stop wondering what the sex would be like.

 **WAYS TO ACHIEVE THAT** :

This is where Roxy blanked. She thought maybe the man was a bit interested, he had been watching her recently and it was a different gaze than before. But he also avoided her. And sometimes he called her ma'am and it made her want to wreck him, just take him apart and see what was left.

But no way would that work.

They would go to bed and he would be a gentleman and it would be fine and remind her why she seldom fucked men. He would stay the night and it would be polite and awkward and after he left she would be over these thoughts of him.

Seduce the old guy.

Having decent but boring sex.

Move on.

But how to seduce him was the question.

Her glasses beeped and she tapped them. "Yes, Merlin?"

"Ye achieve your goals by walking up to him and saying I would like to fuck you Harry, now bend over your desk and say thank you."

Roxy blinked. "Excuse me?" She froze. "Can you read my mind now?" She would not put it past Merlin.

"No, I see the bloody note on your phone there," Merlin snapped. "The one ye have been staring at for twenty minutes even though your target is due to walk out their door in 3."

"I didn't have the glasses on," she said, numb and quickly putting her phone in pocket and grabbing her purse to run down the hotel stairs. She was outside in 90 seconds.

"On a live mission they are always on, how do you of all people not know this?" Merlin shook his head. "Jesus, you are Lancelot, you are one of my most capable agents. Here comes your target, think about shagging Harry later."

"Affirmative," Roxy replied. She followed her target for hours until she had the chance and poisoned him. She nodded in satisfaction and went to the extraction point. On the plane she tapped the side of her glasses. "Merlin?"

"Aye?"

"I can't just say I want to fuck you, bend over."

"You could, but you won't and will make my life far more difficult in doing so." Merlin sighed. "I think I understand why the staff rather hate Eggsy and I now."

"No one could hate you two," she protested.

"Hmm," was all Merlin would say. "Harry is easy to seduce lass, no plans, no grand tricks, just go up to him and ask if he wants to get a leg over."

Roxy thought of the perfectly put together man that she knew and imagined doing that. He would clam up and it would end up so awkward. "No, that is just you looking for some revenge for something he did. That wouldn't work. He's of the generation that thinks they need to seduce the woman, so like I'll make myself available and flirty and girly until he picks up the signals."

"No," Merlin begged, "I swear to ye Lancelot, just walk into his office with a dildo and say that you want to shove it up his arse until he is begging permission to come."

Roxy laughed. "Come on Merlin, like Harry would let me peg him." She laughed some more. "Candles and missionary all the way."

"Would ye like to see footage of him in bed?" Merlin countered.

"Mission sex doesn't count and you know it. No, I'll flutter my lashes and wear a bolder lippy and let him think he is the great conqueror and then wham bam thank you ma'am," she said.

"HE WANTS TO CALL YE MA'AM!" Merlin was shouting. "And bugger, the archives will have to listen to all this and then I'll get one of them crying in my office or to Harry. Fuck it, I'm erasing this." Merlin disconnected. 

Roxy spent the rest of the mission filling out her reports. She wanted the paperwork all done so she could go visit Andrew. It would be odd if she just started appearing around the estate in dresses or skirts, but a couple more feminine cut suits would help.

*******************************************

Harry was worried. He walked down to Merlin's office, keeping an eye on the halls in case Roxy somehow appeared, like she had been doing for the last week. He knocked and waited. "If you are shagging Eggsy, please hurry up, this is important," Harry snapped.

Merlin opened the door. "Harry we don't actually fuck in my office. The bedrooms upstairs yes, but nae my office. It is too monitored."

"Ah, well, I need your assistance. I believe there are problems with Lancelot."

Merlin gave him a look. "With Roxy, or with Lancelot?"

"Lancelot," Harry replied firmly. Merlin gestured and they went and sat. "I fear that on her last mission or sometime since then, she has become compromised."

Merlin paused. "That is a serious accusation, Arthur."

"Merlin, something has gone wrong," Harry replied. He felt heartsick, but this was a grave issue. "Lancelot's behaviour and dress have all changed."

"Eggsy has nae reported any changes in her, and they spend the most time together." Merlin begins to pull up footage from around the estate. "Her workout routine remains the same."

"Look at her workout clothes though," Harry said. "It used to be a plain white vest and now it is the sports bra that looks difficult to get into. How doesn't she strangle herself on those straps?" Harry pointed. "Yoga pants, not track pants." Merlin pulled up footage of their last table meeting. "Her shirt is different, as is her lipstick," Harry said. "Look how she sits."

Merlin has a good idea what is happening and he is exhausted. "She is nae compromised, Harry," he said.

"Her voice has changed," Harry insisted. "She sounds like she is wearing a corset or something and keeps smiling. It is wrong and she was clearly brainwashed." Harry began to pace. "We need to get her back, Merlin. I do not want to have to kill her."

"Harry, she is flirting with you," Merlin said. He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "She wants you."

"For what?" Harry asked. "Kingsman secrets, displace power, wants to eat me?"

"More you eat her," Merlin said. "Out. Sex. She wants to bed you."

Harry stopped mid pace and went to sit down. "Huh?"

"And people think ye eloquent," Merlin muttered. "Shag, fuck, leg over, on the pull, bone, fornicate, make love, play the beast with two backs -"

"For the love of god, please stop talking," Harry said. "I need a moment."

"Of course, sir," Merlin said and went back to work knowing that would mean anywhere from 30 seconds to a month. He worked up some analysis for a few upcoming missions and was texting with Eggsy and idly playing Minecraft, when he heard a noise behind him. 2 hours, not that bad. "Conclusion?"

"We are sure it isn't brainwashing," Harry said.

"Based on a conversation I had with her, it isn't brainwashing. Brain injury perhaps, but not compromised," Merlin promised.

"I am a lovely fuck," Harry said, affronted.

"How would I know?"

"You've watched me often enough," Harry replied. "I am really quite good."

"Ye haven't had a honeypot in 8 years, and I don't exactly watch you in your private life," Merlin said. "Unless you want to give me a personal demonstration right here and now, I don't actually have a current knowledge of how you are in bed."

Harry and Merlin stared at each other and said a million words that never fell from their lips. "Why is she acting so oddly about it?"

"I think she believes this is the only way to seduce you," Merlin said.

"I don't understand," Harry admitted after a moment. "Why doesn't she ask me out? She is fearless."

"Ask her?" Merlin said. "She is clearly trying to catch your attention. It is now caught. So ask her."

Harry thought about that. "No, she clearly has a game in mind, I'll let her play it out."

"Don't," Merlin begged. "I will offer ye anything to just go to her and go to your knees and call her ma'am."

"No, no, I have this now," Harry said and stood up. "Thank you, as ever, for your guidance. Sex with Eggsy has not completely rotted your brain out."

"This will be the worst thing to ever happen to the Kingsman," Merlin said in awe, in fear.

"I've seen the suits from the 70s, I think we are fine," Harry replied. "Eggsy come out of the storage closet!"

"No, still pretty naked," Eggsy called back. "And I agree with Merlin."

"Good afternoon, gentlemen," Harry said and left.

**********************************

Roxy thought things were maybe moving forward with Harry, he was looking at her more and there were softer smiles and they were definitely touching each other more than was common - which meant they were touching each other, they had never really done that before. They had been having a briefing and during it moved to the sofa in his office and she was pulling out all the stops touching his knee as they read the reports, had made sure her breasts pressed against his arm. She even played with her hair goddammit. And he gave her these looks and she waited and he didn't ask her out. Perhaps it was because they were still talking business.

"Tea?" he asked once they were done the meeting and she inwardly cheered. Now he would ask her out for dinner. Roxy realized with dawning horror she might have to go on a few dates with him before they fucked. No way did the esteemed gentleman Harry Hart shag a girl on the first date.

Fuck the lack of fucks in her future. 

She was debating just abandoning this, sure Harry was gorgeous, but it wasn't worth the work just for what would be mediocre sex and his hair sort of flopped on his forehead and she brushed it away and he leaned into her touch, so briefly and so little but it was there, and Roxy wanted to kiss him. But she knew he would find that over bold. "My apologies, Arthur."

"Please, ma'am, Harry when not on official business anymore."

Roxy blinked at the way he said ma'am. It was soft and almost yearning and made her want to order him about. But he was just being polite. It wasn't anything. "Harry," she said and he gave her a pleased smile. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he agreed and sat back a little. "Ask me whatever you like."

"Do you think Eggsy and Merlin have caused problems at work with their personal relationship?"

"Yes, a great deal," Harry agreed. "Archives despise them and refuse to log any of their conversations. That task has fallen to me and the bottle of lube in my desk. But if you mean on missions themselves? No, they are professional."

"Lube, Harry?"

"They are somewhat...inventive in their conversations with Eggsy playing rather aggressively to Merlin's voice kink. It would be difficult not to respond."

"Do they know that? Isn't it awkward?" Roxy bit her lip and wondered how unethical it would be to ask for a listen.

"Merlin has supplied the lube," Harry replied. 

"Oh," she said and played with the crease in her trousers.

"Ask Eggsy for permission and I'll share a snippet," Harry promised. "It is really worth a listen."

"I'll do that," she said. "Really inventive?"

"Very," he promised. "May I ask a question in return?"

Here we go, Roxy thought. "Of course, Harry." She leaned a bit forward and tilted her face up a bit, hoping she was at a breathless and hopeful ingenue angle.

"Do you think we should change the obstacle course up a little more? I fear everyone is getting bored with it."

Roxy blinked. "Really?" she asked.

"What else was I supposed to ask?" he replied. He gave her an easy smile. "I could ask about your favourite sports team, I suppose."

"What are you playing at?" She looked at him. 

"What are you playing at?" he countered. "Because you are playing at something."

She froze. "I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do. You are playing enough I asked Merlin if you were compromised," Harry's features hardened and Roxy for a moment was worried. It was so easy in the office to forget how strong and well trained he really was. "He assured me you were not. But that you wanted something." Harry moved closer to her. "I was willing to let you lead, go along, because was some sort of game you wanted, and then you decided to make yourself look vapid, and I was done."

"Done?"

"Cards are on the table, Roxy, care to show your hand?" Harry breathed the words against her neck and she shivered. 

"No hand," she whispered back. "Unless you want there to be a hand?" Ask me out already, she screamed in her head, so we can get this out of the way.

Only he leaned back and looked at her in confusion. "Roxy, play your hand," he said.

It was odd that he sounded almost desperate. If he was so desperate why wasn't he asking her out. "You play yours," she said.  She wondered why he seemed so disappointed. "Harry? Play your part."

"I'm trying," he said.

She was missing something and his phone rang and when he picked up it was clear that it was work and she slipped out of the office. Roxy was headed to her own office when she ran into Percival. "Hiya," she said.

"I'm sorry my dear, but I am not going to acknowledge you while you look like that," he said and gestured at her outfit. "It's so...girly."

"You buy me dresses all the time," she said confused.

"Yes ones that suit you," he said. "When has a baby pink lipstick ever suited you? Why are you being soft when you are the thorns not the rose?"

"Because Harry would date a sweet lady," she snapped. 

"No, Harry would date you," he countered. "Stop playing and act." He shook his head. "This? All this? This isn't what has driven him mad for months. You did that."

"What do you mean?" she asked a little lost.

"You are better than this," was all he said and kept walking. "And I am far more involved in your sex life that I want to be."

"If I was having sex there wouldn't be a problem!" she shouted after him. Three people at least heard her shout that to her godfather. She needed to go murder a punching bag.

*******************************************

Roxy was done. She decided it wasn't actually about Harry, just that she hadn't shagged a boy in a while and had a hankering. She put on short dress and high heels and went to a club. She had done poorly at her NLP training, but this did not require skill, this required a boy who was reasonably attractive. She put herself in a corner and scanned the crowd, there were a few prospects that looked decent and she decided to go move a little on the dance floor first. Roxy loved dancing. She bet Harry was a wonderful dancer. 

No, she wasn't thinking about him tonight.

Rando.

Fuck.

Be over Harry.

It was a fool proof plan.

She ignored the small part of her brain that was calling her a fool.

It sounded suspiciously like Eggsy, Merlin, and Percival in harmony. The first guy she attracted wasn't quite what she was looking for and she moved deeper into the crowd. There were a few good looking men, and she picked one that she thought would work well enough. Roxy smiled at him and went to the bar and a few minutes later she had a drink in hand and the man hooked. There was more dancing and a couple more drinks and when he leaned into her and asked if she wanted to go somewhere a little more quiet, she gave him a smile and said her place.

He followed along and was a bit nonplussed when he got in the Kingsman car but the driver was silent until they stepped out. "Do make sure not to call him Harry, Lancelot, might be a touch awkward," he said.

"Thank you, that will be all for tonight," Roxy said. She took the man up to her flat and when he kissed her once they were inside she threw herself into it. He was young and fit and a decent kisser. 

"You are so beautiful," he said and she took him to her room. They undressed and fell on her bed and he did all the right things, kissed her, and touched her breasts gently, and was a complete gentleman, rather like she had assumed Harry would have been. He said lovely things as he went to stroke her folds and she reached for the lube in her night table because this guy was good but didn't have her dripping and he didn't freak out, which was nice and eventually Roxy pushed him onto his back and she stroked him and rolled a condom on and climbed on top. She rocked her hips down and sighed when he wrapped his hands around her hips. He thought it was contentment, not boredom over all the gentleness. Roxy left out some more noises and it was starting to feel decent enough when the guy clearly orgasmed. Well, she could set herself to rights after he left. Only he really was the decent sort and after he pulled out and tossed away the condom he actually knew she hadn't come and used his fingers to get her off.

That was decent. 

"Thank you," she said after it was done. She waited for him to say some meaningless words and collect his clothes, only he snuggled down. 

"I'll take you for breakfast in the morning," he promised. And promptly fell asleep.

That was...well then.

She had a quick shower and debated whether to wake him up and kick him out, kill him and dispose of the body. Choices, choices. She took a photo and sent it to Eggsy, after double checking that it was going to Eggsy. 

 _what do i do?_ she texted.

 ** _why isn't that Harry?_** Eggsy texted back.

_because._

**_ugh, look busy. deal with your own shag, I'm dealing with_**   ** _mine._**  

Such help, she thought. She was exhausted all of a sudden and she wasn't going to be scared out of her own bed dammit. Roxy climbed in and thanked a god she didn't believe in that he was not a cuddler and eventually she fell asleep.

They were both awoken by a cough. Roxy turned on her bedside lamp, and reached for the knife strapped under the table.

"Who the fuck are you?" the man beside her asked. She realized she had already forgotten his name if she had ever known it. "Are you her Dad? Because this is creepy mate. Get out of here." He tried to sound brave and Roxy thought it almost adorable. She didn't take her eyes off of Harry.

Harry stood up and removed his suit jacket and the double holsters were easy to see.

"Holy shit," the man didn't think just scrambled out of the bed and didn't even grab all his clothes as he ran out of the bedroom and the flat.

Harry and Roxy kept looking at each other.

Harry slowly unstrapped the holsters and put them on the chair. He hitched up the crease in his trousers and knelt on the floor and then fucking crawled the two metres over to her side of the bed and then he knelt up straight, such perfect posture and his arms were behind his back. "Ma'am," he said softly.

Roxy was wetter from watching that, than anything the guy had done just a few hours before. And she realized how much she had fucked up by not paying attention. "Oh," she said softly and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She leaned down and cupped his cheek to tilt his head up. "Harry," she whispered.

"Yes ma'am?" he asked.

"You are kneeling, my king," she pointed out.

"I am ma'am," he said. "I've been kneeling for you ever since you told me what you like." He looked up at her. "I want you."

"I want you too."

"I want  _you,_ " Harry pressed. "Here are my cards on the table."

Roxy understood it all. "Merlin was right."

"Please never tell him that," Harry begged.

"I'll keep it a secret," Roxy promised. "Harry, I'd like to bend you over and fuck you until you beg to come."

"That sounds lovely ma'am," Harry said.

"Tomorrow," Roxy said. "Now I want to change these sheets and get some more sleep. You could stay if you wanted?"

Harry reached up and pulled her head down for a deep kiss. "I want," he said when they broke apart. 

"I want," Roxy replied. She stood up and helped him up as well. "I'll have another quick shower, change the bedding?"

"Of course ma'am," he said and she shivered as she almost always did when he said that. She realized she was naked and he was fully dressed. 

Roxy really liked that.

Something to explore tomorrow.

"Good boy," she said and went to the bathroom. Tomorrow was going to be much more interesting than she had expected.


End file.
